Arachis hypogaea

I would like to take a moment to speak my mind. This has been kept inside for far too long. It’s time I share… You could say it’s almost a life or death situation.….. Let us talk about peanuts.

Yes peanuts. The bane of my existence! The terror in the night! The Darth Vader to my Luke Skywalker (yeah I just put in a Star Wars reference.) The Joker to my Batman. They are a thorn in my side, always out to get me in their concealed costumes of Reese’s and M&M’s and all the other kinds of candy they’ve infiltrated. I am constantly on the alert, looking for any potential danger, Epi-Pen at the ready, waiting at a moment’s notice to spring into action and save my own skin. (If I happen to save a fellow peanut sufferer that’s pretty cool too.)

For me, a man with a peanut allergy, nowhere is safe. Convenience stores are entered with the sole purpose of purchasing Mountain Dew and gas. Chick-Fil-A’s are off-limits due to their frying succulent chickens in the death juice that is peanut oil. Waffle House is no longer attended due to their ingenious use of the peanut butter waffle. Why Waffle House? Why?!!! New eating establishments are entered only after careful reconnaissance of the premises and intel gathered from the staff and even then there’s a 50/50 chance of survival.

Everyday is a risk, constantly looking over my shoulder for mutant peanuts that have grown limbs and are six feet tall, (the Apocalypse has arrived!), reading label after label to insure it is devoid of any peanut propaganda that is spread by the S.A.A.T.P (Society for the Advancement of All Things Peanuts), and dealing with those undesirables to all Peanut Sufferers known as, Peanut Lovers.

Yes the Peanut Lovers, wafting their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in our faces, tempting us with tales of how good Reese’s taste on Halloween, and enjoying all things peanut right in front of our noses. Gee, thanks. Now my nasal cavities have swollen shut because you breathed on me with your peanut infused breath. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.

The injustice has become too much! I demand we sufferers of peanuts unite and stand up to the tyranny and danger the Peanut Lovers place upon us. We will put up with it no longer! The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back has fallen. You have had your run Peanut Lovers, but now it is the Peanut Sufferers turn to take the stage. May we forever shine with one hand holding our Epi-Pens and the other clutching our Nutella and banana sandwiches.

And to the mutant peanuts reading this, I’m coming for you. Prepare to be destroyed.

Author’s Note: I am allergic to peanuts and Chick-Fil-A does indeed use peanut oil to fry their food. I hear it’s quite tasty. Also, Waffle House did introduce a peanut butter waffle.  All other content comes from my insane imagination and I hold no grudges with Peanut Lovers. I almost dated one, but she wouldn’t give up her peanut butter to be with me… but that’s another story entirely. Enjoy!

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